


in my blood like holy wine

by idals0



Category: CIX (Band), LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Experimental Style, F/F, Gay yearning, Lots of Hurt, M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Self-Indulgent, lets go loonacix world domination, some religious imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25376524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idals0/pseuds/idals0
Summary: It feels like the wolf she’s become is licking at your heart, telling it to keep quiet.
Relationships: Jeon Heejin/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye, Kim Yonghee/Lee Byounggon | BX
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	in my blood like holy wine

**Author's Note:**

> if you’re reading this rn just know that there won’t be any plot in this fic (it’s really just stream of consciousness) so if that isn’t your thing maybe x out of this  
> (or give it a chance! you’ll never know)  
> anyway… this fic is sponsored by kopiko brown coffee, conchitina cruz and richard siken’s works, the crushing weight of my feelings from the past 2 weeks, and listening to mitski, frank ocean, lorde, and 18 by one direction as i lie down and stare at the ceiling. this fic is self-indulgent and very very Very personal to me so if u dont have anything good to say please take it somewhere else
> 
> also thank you [hanwa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/minizode) for the [meme](https://imgur.com/a/3fFQoZC) that came out of this fic. i love it and u
> 
> this is completely unbeta-ed btw but i hope you enjoy it anyway!

Heejin is running.

And running.

Her lungs burn. The heat of the sun is relentless, unforgiving.

She runs, scuffing the soles of her Chuck Taylors against the pavement, against the pavement, against the pavement—

_Verse. Chorus. Verse._

The tip of her shoe snags on the railing but she jumps anyway, kicking as hard as she can before the freefall.

Heejin jumps.

_I’m sorry. We know how it works. The world is no longer mysterious._

&

There’s something in the way Byounggon holds you.

One hand on your nape, the other on your waist. Like a cradle.

Like the Pieta in the Vatican, of Mary holding Jesus in her arms, except neither of you are holy.

(It could be home.

It could also be the hunger consuming you whole.

So what if you’re a little touch starved, right?)

You hold his hand carefully, afraid that it’ll break if you hold it any tighter. You run your thumb over his palm, over the creases and lines and pads, reading him as if it’ll all make sense, as if you’ll figure out the reason why he holds you.

(Maybe he doesn’t need a reason. Maybe he just wants to.

Maybe he just wanted to feel something and he’s using you as an excuse.

 _You wanted to be in love and he happened to get in the way._ )

&

Olivia is beautiful this way—face bare, hair damp, wearing just a worn shirt.

It’s the quiet moments like these that you take for granted. It’s in these moments you take shelter in an attempt to reduce the noise in your head to static.

“Olivia,” you say, voice lowering down to a whisper. “Hyejoo,” you say, caught in the vulnerability of the moment, heart bared and beating and red.

( _Olivia_ is the thrill of the freefall. _Hyejoo_ is when you safely land.)

A small smile splays across Hyejoo’s face and it feels as though she’s sharing a secret with you but you don’t know _what,_ exactly. It’s a secret only she knows and yet you still keep it, tucked into the tiniest crevice of your heart.

(Hyejoo is beautiful this way.)

_each kiss, each word, a hand on a knee, a voice on a machine, a trace of fingertips on a ledge, every morning light every strand bereft of technicalities—_

oliviahey (4:44AM): i miss you

_[You can no longer send messages to this user.]_

&

Anger holds Yonghee’s throat hostage.

(Byounggon is the sun and Yonghee resists the urge to be set alight.)

“I’m sorry,” Byounggon says, voice barely above a whisper but it sounds like a shout. “I didn’t mean to.”

Yonghee spits out a laugh, rough and bitter. “What were you trying to do then?”

(The moon pulls the tides in his chest, rising and falling with each breath.)

“I don’t know.”

(The water recedes, leaving coarse sand in its wake.)

“I’m sorry.”

Yonghee leaves.

&

“Olivia,” she says, never getting used to the way her name fits in her mouth. “Olivia. Come home with me.”

_Clumsy hands in a dark room. Crossed out._

The sunset glows red, gasoline pouring over the fire in her chest. The wolf’s tail curls around Olivia’s hip, a sign of protection. Defense.

A quiet snarl.

(Olivia, covered in feathers.

Olivia, face blank but her pupils dilate, a sharp flash of hunger.)

Olivia, wiping at her mouth and it comes away red.

Olivia—)

“Come home with me,” you whisper. No one is listening—Olivia had already left. “Come home to me.”

(“You can’t want me,” she had said. “Stop it.”

It feels like the wolf she’s become is licking at your heart, telling it to keep quiet.)

_You said I could have anything I wanted, but I just couldn’t say it out loud._

&

The trees hear the cries of those who suffer in silence.

Yonghee has his knees to the ground, mouth open in a soundless cry.

His wings aren’t being torn out. Not yet. But that’s what it feels like.

Byounggon flicks the lighter open.

A click. A beat.

The hush, the whimper, the fall.

(A disappearing act. Judas Iscariot betraying the Lord.)

The fire.

The lie.

The lie, the lie, the lie—

&

1.

a. yes, because you know in your heart it was true.

b. no, because everyone who loves you will someday leave.

c. maybe, but you won’t hold it against them.

2\. 

a. when she held your hand.

b. when she kissed you.

c. when she didn’t say it back.

3\. 

a. it was Heejin.

b. it was Hyejoo.

c. none of the above.

4.

a. in Eden.

b. in the classroom.

c. in the woods.

5.

a. because she wanted nothing more

b. because she didn’t want at all

c. because wanting is a sin

&

**_index of last lines_ **

thumb over your eye mole, hand sliding down from your neck to your chest— 10

What do I do with your heart? 18

love dripping like honey, how sweet. 14

it’s the sand in an hourglass. 30

an ache in your gut to be held. 11

hands clasped together. 20

and if you’re half of my soul? 2

Look at me. Look at me. 21

I don’t want this anymore. 12

Don’t run. Stay. 22

it’s okay, she says. you’re safe here. 23

_Are you there, sweetheart? Is this microphone live?_

**Author's Note:**

> i didnt even realize i created a sort of dichotomy between heejin and yonghee until i was halfway through writing the fic
> 
> anyway heejin and yonghee are both cancer moons and they both have a mole near their eye. and i think thats beautiful. in another life maybe theyre best friends. i love loonacix so much
> 
> lines in italics are from richard siken’s book _crush_ (parts 1, 2, 5, 7) and conchitina cruz’s book _elsewhere held and lingered_. also the concepts of multiple choice and index of last lines arent mine, i also lifted them off _elsewhere held and lingered_. both are really good books please give them a read!!! anddd fic title was taken from joni mitchell’s _a case of you_
> 
> as always you can reach me through:  
> twt: @chuuhuni  
> curiouscat: yvesbom


End file.
